Honest Answers From a Pregnant Lady
As of these last few weeks, my pregnant belly and I have been getting a lot more attention. If you know me, you know that it is never easy for me to be less than honest, so I find it really amusing when people ask me for updates related to the pregnancy because they are never usually prepared for my answer. That said, sometimes I am not even prepared for what comes out of my mouth, because my mouth is often saying things way before my brain can catch up and make it stop. Word vomit, if you will.
As I approach my 32nd week of pregnancy, I'd like to share with you exactly how I am feeling...Allow me to count the ways:
1. Like I can't breathe because there's an alien in my gut that is constantly kicking and pushing at my lungs. I really envy the women who are out there at this point in their pregnancies and still able to work out. If it was me, I'd be done every thirty seconds because even just walking down the hallway takes the wind out of me. What's worse is every time I walk up and down the stairs at our new home, I wonder what the f**k I was thinking moving into a place with all these stairs because it makes me feel like I've ran a mile when I reach the top. Sometimes I even want to turn around and do the Rocky dance when I make to my bed room, but that would take way too much energy and I'd probably faint.
2. As if my breasts weigh more than my head. For a normally small chested lady, this whole your boobs grow the size of grapefruits is incredibly weird for me. You'd think that this would have me running to the bra store to buy bras every week. Nope, not this super lazy chick. I'm waiting for the grand explosion of boobage, when the baby finally arrives. I learned my lesson last time. I bought new bras at this phase and then 8 weeks later had a baby and more boobs than I knew what to do with and was super unhappy about having to go buy more bras. There was a time long, long ago when I wanted breast implants, when I was a super flat chested young lady, but those days are over. I look forward to the days of A cups and not feeling like I'm carrying dumbbells on my chest every day. God bless all you big breasted women, I applaud you for carrying your girls around daily. That shit is not for me.
3. Proud of myself. Okay, so here is something positive and not sarcastic at all. I really do feel proud of myself for starting this pregnancy off very healthy. Of course my Ben & Jerry's post this weekend proves it's a slippery slope as you near the end, but I really did start things off right. I kept with my TRX classes until about 20 weeks and managed not to die during spinning classes until about 25 weeks. (Shout out to Lotus Kitty in Studio City for always being supportive and keeping a watchful eye on the pregnant lady during class!! I love you people!!) Also, there was this one time that my OB actually told me I was doing great with my weight gain and you would have thought she just handed me an Academy Award. That's because during my first pregnancy I was a fat cow who did nothing that resembled exercise or eating right. Plain and simple. So just an FYI ladies, when other chicks are like "oh I learned my lesson with my first pregnancy" believe them because I was always an eye roller at those people. Turns out you can find your self control the second time around if you dig deep.
4. Like a human pee fountain. There is nothing more frustrating than jumping into bed, putting your eye cover on like a princess and turning to your side to fall asleep only to be kicked or punched in your bladder. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. My poor husband has heard me mutter more obscenities over late night bathroom visits than I'd like to admit in the last few weeks. Oh and what's worse than having to lift yourself out of bed and blindly walk through your bedroom in the dark with out your glasses on to the bathroom? Tripping on your daughter's Little People Bus that she left right in your path for you to fall over! The worst! This happened the other night and I wanted to run into her room and throw it in her face because this is how CRAZY having to pee in the middle of the night makes me. Don't worry, Michaela was not and never will be harmed by a Little People Bus.
5. As if my vagina is going to burst open into a thousand pieces. So. Much. Vaginal. Pressure. I can see my husband and mother shaking their heads at this one. Sorry, guys, but it's the truth. The doctor keeps telling me "you feel things lower faster with your second child" and my god is she right. The baby is already upside down in the "ready" position they tell me, but even with having been in pre-term labor with Michaela, I don't remember feeling this way. The full on waddle walk is happening now because I am so uncomfortable. I really appreciate the people who lie and tell me "you can't tell from the back that you are pregnant" because I know that the truth is I look like a toddler who is walking and pooping at the same time.
So there you have it. That is how I am feeling. And yes, I know this too shall pass, but I don't buy the bull cocky that a lot of you are selling with loving being pregnant and missing those days. I certainly will not miss many of the above listed "feelings" once Colton is here. Pregnancy has a wonderful ending, yes, and I may be crazy enough to try this one or two more times (because I am obviously self loathing), but a lot of the stuff that leads up to that adorable little baby is uncomfortable, not pretty and at times quite horrifying. It is T minus 8 weeks until almost normal Dani gets to re-enter the world and I simply can not wait!
As I approach my 32nd week of pregnancy, I'd like to share with you exactly how I am feeling...Allow me to count the ways:
1. Like I can't breathe because there's an alien in my gut that is constantly kicking and pushing at my lungs. I really envy the women who are out there at this point in their pregnancies and still able to work out. If it was me, I'd be done every thirty seconds because even just walking down the hallway takes the wind out of me. What's worse is every time I walk up and down the stairs at our new home, I wonder what the f**k I was thinking moving into a place with all these stairs because it makes me feel like I've ran a mile when I reach the top. Sometimes I even want to turn around and do the Rocky dance when I make to my bed room, but that would take way too much energy and I'd probably faint.
2. As if my breasts weigh more than my head. For a normally small chested lady, this whole your boobs grow the size of grapefruits is incredibly weird for me. You'd think that this would have me running to the bra store to buy bras every week. Nope, not this super lazy chick. I'm waiting for the grand explosion of boobage, when the baby finally arrives. I learned my lesson last time. I bought new bras at this phase and then 8 weeks later had a baby and more boobs than I knew what to do with and was super unhappy about having to go buy more bras. There was a time long, long ago when I wanted breast implants, when I was a super flat chested young lady, but those days are over. I look forward to the days of A cups and not feeling like I'm carrying dumbbells on my chest every day. God bless all you big breasted women, I applaud you for carrying your girls around daily. That shit is not for me.
3. Proud of myself. Okay, so here is something positive and not sarcastic at all. I really do feel proud of myself for starting this pregnancy off very healthy. Of course my Ben & Jerry's post this weekend proves it's a slippery slope as you near the end, but I really did start things off right. I kept with my TRX classes until about 20 weeks and managed not to die during spinning classes until about 25 weeks. (Shout out to Lotus Kitty in Studio City for always being supportive and keeping a watchful eye on the pregnant lady during class!! I love you people!!) Also, there was this one time that my OB actually told me I was doing great with my weight gain and you would have thought she just handed me an Academy Award. That's because during my first pregnancy I was a fat cow who did nothing that resembled exercise or eating right. Plain and simple. So just an FYI ladies, when other chicks are like "oh I learned my lesson with my first pregnancy" believe them because I was always an eye roller at those people. Turns out you can find your self control the second time around if you dig deep.
4. Like a human pee fountain. There is nothing more frustrating than jumping into bed, putting your eye cover on like a princess and turning to your side to fall asleep only to be kicked or punched in your bladder. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. My poor husband has heard me mutter more obscenities over late night bathroom visits than I'd like to admit in the last few weeks. Oh and what's worse than having to lift yourself out of bed and blindly walk through your bedroom in the dark with out your glasses on to the bathroom? Tripping on your daughter's Little People Bus that she left right in your path for you to fall over! The worst! This happened the other night and I wanted to run into her room and throw it in her face because this is how CRAZY having to pee in the middle of the night makes me. Don't worry, Michaela was not and never will be harmed by a Little People Bus.
5. As if my vagina is going to burst open into a thousand pieces. So. Much. Vaginal. Pressure. I can see my husband and mother shaking their heads at this one. Sorry, guys, but it's the truth. The doctor keeps telling me "you feel things lower faster with your second child" and my god is she right. The baby is already upside down in the "ready" position they tell me, but even with having been in pre-term labor with Michaela, I don't remember feeling this way. The full on waddle walk is happening now because I am so uncomfortable. I really appreciate the people who lie and tell me "you can't tell from the back that you are pregnant" because I know that the truth is I look like a toddler who is walking and pooping at the same time.
So there you have it. That is how I am feeling. And yes, I know this too shall pass, but I don't buy the bull cocky that a lot of you are selling with loving being pregnant and missing those days. I certainly will not miss many of the above listed "feelings" once Colton is here. Pregnancy has a wonderful ending, yes, and I may be crazy enough to try this one or two more times (because I am obviously self loathing), but a lot of the stuff that leads up to that adorable little baby is uncomfortable, not pretty and at times quite horrifying. It is T minus 8 weeks until almost normal Dani gets to re-enter the world and I simply can not wait!
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