Shopping and Crying

Last night something happened to me.  I had a major melt down panic attack driven by the disappointment of being unrealistic of what would fit on my body at the mall.  My poor dear friend Jenna thought I was mad at her because she could tell I was being quiet and pensive as I darted towards the exit of the mall after only going into three stores.  I was walking very quickly in front of her, hoping she could not tell how upset with myself I was.  I even practiced the breathing I recently learned in a yoga class to keep the tears from coming.

It. Was. Awful.  Or, at least it felt that way.

I was beyond relieved to jump into my car, since I could barely control myself anymore at this point.  I grasped the wheel and burst into tears, while again, poor Jenna sat there patiently telling me it was okay. God bless her.  If I was her I probably would have been like "yeah, I'm gonna walk home", but she very calmly and patiently sat there while I sobbed uncontrollably.  Through my tears I tried to explain to Jenna something that I am sure most of us have been through, but don't like to talk about.

You eat right. You go to bed early. You get normal sleep.  You wake up at 5 AM.  You bust your ass at the gym.  I mean, guys, I do math for a living, well at least my calculator does, and if this was some sort of equation or budget, all the signs point to I should look great in clothes, but as of this moment, I don't. And it's hard. It's really hard to dig deep to find the motivation to keep going, to keep at it.  But I have to.  I can't let this one get out of control as it has in the past.

After I was done sobbing and able to more clearly speak about why I was so upset, I found myself describing how well things are going for me.  I reviewed with Jenna a few of the positive changes I have seen in my body.  For example, I can see big changes in my legs, slowly but surely my legs are getting more toned.  I can tell that my lats are getting much stronger and my abs too. I can tell that I have much more endurance than I used to.  All of this was so positive, so what did I have to cry about really?  Nothing.

So what am I getting at?  I just hope that if you are going through the same weight loss shit storm I am, that you know you are not alone.  Whether it's 20 pounds or 200 pounds that you are trying to lose, trust me, there is not one person out there who hasn't looked in the mirror and felt bad about themselves.  So how do we change this? We've just got keep fighting the good fight.  We have to keep thinking positive.  And we have to believe in ourselves. Have faith.  Good things come to those who wait.

Chin up. No more tears. Our daughters (and sons) are watching.  Inspire them.